“Like Lights Do” - a song about goodbye
I read a book recently where to escape a prison, a character had to give up their memory of a thing dear to them. He chose the woman he loved. In the hopes to remember her, he carved her intricacies and moments shared, into stone. Once he escaped he lost any knowledge of her and also the awareness of his recorded work. The two never found each other again.
Backstory
I wrote this song in a hotel in California. California allows recreational marijuana and that day I had popped a gummy that I was told would improve your hiking experience. It hit me way harder than I had anticipated and much faster, so I was driving to a trailhead (don’t tell the cops or my mom), and I was very focused on the task at hand. So focused that I didn’t even realize how low my gas tank was. One minute I was driving, the next the engine started acting very odd, an amplified odd in my case. I quickly crossed the 4 lanes of the highway, and coasted down the decline of the ramp almost directly into a gas station parking lot. The van had some sort of electric component (I am sure a mechanic would explain this much better than I) so it was still running, or maybe wasn’t out of gas? Regardless, I was able to drive to the BP station. The power steering was being goofy, so I was really having to muscle the steering. Overall, not fun.
Now because of my state of mind, I didn’t even realize that the gas was low. I had it in my mind that the warning lights and the loss of oil pressure in the vehicle was actually me losing oil, and I thought I had just bricked the engine. It was a rental, so brand new, and had all this crazy computer stuff going on, and it was more than I could handle. I called National while in the parking lot and was halfway through calling for a tow, when I got overwhelmed and just hung up. I sat in the car and started drawing on a In and Out burger bag to just chill out a bit and get my head a little more clear.
Fast forward a bit and I got gas in it, and it started, so… I drove away. No crazy warning lights came on, and it seemed fine, so I just went back to the hotel. I was too anxious now to hike and just wanted to get rid of any stressors.
That idea of the lights coming on in the van and then going away stuck with me. It rolled around in my head like a ball of honey, picking up random thoughts and making a story about a love gained, taken for granted, shunned, lost for good, and then yearned for.
Writing Process
For the brave of heart, you can listen to V1 of the writing process. That is a voice memo I let roll while in the hotel room from start to finish where I was reaching in a bunch of directions trying to find the progression that I wanted.
I eventually found a pattern in a C shape, and used my capo to changed it up a bit (at the time I was feeling like all my songs where in the key of C). The lovely thing about being a songwriter and not a guitar player is that I can use the crap out of my capo and maintain my level of ignorance on my instrument.
While writing the lyrics, the story ended up feeling like a character who had lost a person that had loved them and he had taken for granted. While I am sure this character went through many stages of guilt and loss and grief, this song focused on the selfish sadness that comes from losing someone. A realization that another light in his life has been lost, a flame blown out, and a treasure spent.
One of my favorite lines is “loving me is no longer your chore”. The idea of telling someone who has passed that they have gained relief by not having to love you is a sad thought. To think so little of yourself but at the same time be so self absorbed…that must be a special flavor of self created loneliness.
No Notebook Page.
I didn’t write this one down, but this is the image I think of while I play this song. It slowly get’s wet and falls to bits by the end.
Lyrics
I can't be bothered to rest my eyes when I know you feel the same
You're crying in the dark and your well beyond my name
Stones we planted deep, turned to mountains so we claim
I'm on the wrong side of the range
I'm sending back the piece of you I carried in my coat
You tucked it there when you caught wind that I had to go
Pulling like an anchor tied to a paper boat
Never had a chance to stay afloat
And I don't seem to belong in this world I'm living in
Lay my money down but I never seem to win
And the demons that are trailing me put their claws into my skin
Don't show signs to stop their following
And the only light I ever had was you
But it's going out like lights do
And the nightstand by my bed, it chuckles through it's teeth
It hears the bits I'm singing and the bits I couldn't keep
If you only we'd been living there when you took the leap
Jealous you finally found some sleep
And the only way I rest is with a pillow on the floor
Hoping you'll trip over me while running through the door
Like a path among the leaves that you don't bother anymore
Loving me is no longer your chore
And I don't seem to belong in this world I'm living in
Lay my money down but I never seem to win
And the demons that are trailing me put their claws into my skin
Don't show signs to stop their following
And the only light I ever had was you
And the only light I ever had was you
But it's going out like lights do